Doubt
by fight-thedead-fear-theliving
Summary: Kevin can't pinpoint the moment he fell.


It happens in a whisper.

"I don't believe," Said so quietly that even Kevin wonders if he said it out loud.

Moments like these used to scare Kevin. Moments when he stayed up and questioned why he trusted Heavenly Father, why he let himself be fooled by the church, why he bothered working so hard to become perfect Mormon. The fear faded weeks ago, leaving only the painful realization that nothing actually mattered.

Kevin doesn't remember the last time he actually slept through the night. It must be past 2 am and he's sitting with his back pressed against the rough texture of the wall. Kevin prefers these nights. When he sleeps, he has nightmares. Not of hell, but of his family. They expected him to be a role model, not only for his siblings, but for their community, as well. He dreams of getting off the plane without his family waiting for him, of their disappointment, of his father looking him in the eyes and saying, 'we were wrong about you.'

Kevin can still remember the first time Father Bringley knelt down and told him he was special. He remembers how his father put his hand proudly on his shoulder. And he was certain, so certain that Father Bringley was right. So, Kevin stayed home after school when all his friends played outside. They yelled for him to come outside. They invited him to movies and sleepovers but Kevin stayed home. Sure, he was lonely, and wondered what it would be like to play soccer or get slushies with everyone, but he devoted his time to Heavenly Father.

He prepared himself for his mission so that he could come home and say, "look at the lives I changed." But that's not how Kevin's story turned out. All Kevin has to look forward to, is going home and telling his family that he failed. It makes him nauseous and the pounding in his ears is becoming deafening. How did everything fall apart? Unfortunately for Kevin, no one is there to answer his question.

It's so childish and stupid but Kevin just wants to go home. He wants to be with his family. He wants someone to tell him that it will be okay, that this wasn't his fault. He wants his mom to run her hand through his hair like she did when he was seven. She always promised him that everything would turn out fine. Kevin believed her because her smile showed more promise then her words could.

She won't be smiling if she sees that book, if he describes what happened when the General dragged him into the back room. What could she possibly say that would make him feel better? That it happened for the Lord, honey. It's part of his plan, love. Or would she sit there quietly, shocked at what happened to her eldest son.

"What did I do wrong?" It's a question that won't leave his mind since he tried to convert General Butt-Fucking-Naked. It's a question Kevin promised himself that he would never ask again. It's a question that he asks over and over again. "I've done everything for you. And you-" Heavenly Father let _that_ happen.

Kevin brings his knees closer to his chest. Arnold coughs next to him. Arnold. His mission companion. Arnold freaking Cunningham. Kevin's knuckles are white as he clutches the sheet he calls a blanket. Every story needs a hero and Kevin is staring at the man of the hour, himself. The very man who was supposed to stay out of his way.

How was it that Arnold got everything he p rayed for? He prayed that Kevin would be his mission companion, sure. He prayed that Nabulungi would pay attention to him, why not. He prayed that his father would stop being disappointed in him, done. All ever Kevin ever prayed for was Orlando. Just one freaking prayer. Kevin could have prayed for a Christmas gift or for his grandmother to call and say that she couldn't stay the week after all. But he didn't. He saved his prayer for Orlando. He It was just a mission location. Only, it was more than that. t was a dream. It was the only thing Kevin had ever prayed for. After all his work, Heavenly Father couldn't even give him something that he deserved.

Kevin lets go of the blanket. His hand aches from the pressure. He bets someone up there is laughing. The boy who read every single word of scripture, could recite every prayer, the boy who was left behind by his friends because he stopped to help an elderly woman pick up the bag she had dropped is absolutely useless. His foot twitches at the word. And the _hero_. The hero sleeps, loudly smacking his lips as he cocoons himself in his blanket. The boy who never read a word of the testament, who couldn't guess the location of the Garden of Eden if someone narrowed it down to two choices is being applauded for saving the entire mission.

Somehow, Arnold took the step forward and Kevin faded into the background. He remembers how Elder Mckinley pushed him aside when Arnold told them he had willing converts. What did Mckinley say? _Give Elder Price a break. If it's working better this way, he can leave Elder Price out of it._ When they first arrived in Uganda, Elder Mckinley told him that he believed Kevin would turn their mission around. Now, he doesn't even want to give him the chance to help Arnold.

It was too easy to fall. No one had a chance of stopping (helping) him. Kevin Price, model Mormon, lost control. No one saw it because no one expected it to be possible. Since he was a child, Kevin was considered the "lucky one." Kids used to wish, _wish_ they could be him. He used to consider everything a blessing, now he considers everything a curse. Kevin wants to ask God why he didn't give him strength, he wants to grab Arnold by his shoulders and say, "I was drowning and you didn't notice." But no one is listening.

Occasionally, one of the Elders turns to him and says, "You played an important role, Elder Price. You're his mission companion, after all."

Kevin can read between the lines. In between their encouraging words is a lifetime of work. The years he's wasted going to church and making sure to be in bed before his bedtime. The years he threw away in scripture classes and telling his brother why he shouldn't say such awful things about his classmates. In between their encouraging statements is the underlying implication that he has failed. Just like that, Kevin Price is out of the game.

Kevin fought. Oh, how he fought to keep his trust in Heavenly Father. He prayed, prayed every night until the very end. And there was an end. Kevin fell.

He feels a familiar sting in his eyes. Kevin refuses to cry. Everything has turned out to be a lie and he feels so stupid. So, Kevin stays up at night. He stays up every night and silently questions Heavenly Father. On his first day in Uganda, Elder Mckinley encouraged everyone to turn off their emotions. Let the emotions fester inside as long as you don't let them bubble into reality. Like the other Elders, Kevin has taken his advice. Kevin smiles but inside, he's screaming.

* * *

><p>My other story, <em>Until the Morning Comes<em>, was taken down because the rating wasn't high enough. That's never happened on this site before. I plan on putting it back up but, of course, I didn't save the final version that I edited on this site. I've been too frustrated to re-tweak it and have another story I'm trying to finish before hand. I need to learn and actually save drafts.


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